I am not a soldier
by dlkopriva
Summary: The fanfiction you're about to read is about Reiner and Bertholdt in an AU of World War 2 and this is the first part of it. It contains a lot of ideologically sensitive material I made it as descriptive as possible and historically accurate Consider this a light novel writing style, since you get to see the story from Reiner's point of view and Bertholdt's.
1. Chapter 1

In the 30-ies, in Germany, nearly all of the Jewish companies either collapsed because of financial pressure or they have been forcefully closed by the National Socialist German Workers' Party, or simply, NSGWP. This party existed since 1919 and, in the 30-ies, it was led by Adolf Hitler. This party would make sure to keep the Aryan purity and exclude all the "asocial" groups such as: Jews, homosexuals, Romani, blacks, physically and mentally handicapped, Jehovah's Witnesses and, of course, their political appointments. The totalitarian regime was established right after, known as the Third Reich. Racism was the main focus of this regime. The only pure race was considered to be the Nordic Race; they were called the "master race".

As if it wasn't enough to take everything from the "unpure" citizens, including their citizenship, they were forced to abandon their houses and apartments and were sent to the ghettos, a tightly packed area within a city. These ghettos were also called "Jewish Quarter" by Germans. There were three different types of ghettos: closed ghettos (mostly located in Poland and Soviet Union) were usually surrounded by tall walls of bricks, fences or wire that was stretched between posts. In these ghettos the living conditions were the worst. The rooms where the Jews were forced to live were extremely crowded and starvation, lack of heat in winter, deaths and diseases were unavoidable. And most of the ghettos were of this type; Open ghettos sounded a bit better compared to the closed ones, but there were still a lot of restrictions about leaving or entering them; And, finally, there were the extermination ghettos, also known as concentration camps. This is where a big number of Jews spent their last moments of life.

On one cold morning, a tall and young man walked among hundreds of other people towards his new home, a closed ghetto. The perfection of the Nordic Race did not apply to him. He was nothing alike. His dark skin, that was nothing alike the Aryan's pale skin, was not considered pure and he was called unclean for it. Even though he was tall, his body was very skinny compared to what a perfect German's body should look like. He had a prominent nose and his hair was as black as night. His eyes, although sad, had a special shine in them. They were unusual, deep and greyish. Sometimes a little blue or green was visible in them. He had his brows slightly furrowed, hands gripping tightly the strap of his small bag. They were not allowed to bring many belongings. Jewelry and money was all taken away from them. Watches and furs were taken away as well.

He was frightened right now. He was nothing anymore. He was no one. Despite being born in Germany and having a German name, he was nothing more but a pest that had to be abducted of his rights and thrown in a cage with. He had lost everything- from his home to his rights. The only right he had right now was to obey, in order to stay alive.

They have walked for long just to reach a town, surrounded by big walls. This is where they were going to stay from now on. Two guards opened the gates for the people to get in. As opposite of the world outside those walls, inside of them was filthy. The streets were wet, probably washed with high pressured water that ended up wing mixed with dirt from the grounds around buildings. The smell of wet iron made the tall man feel sick. Imagining his life here was not impossible now… He had no other choice, did he?

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The new politics were insane. Not only the people had 0 rights, but all they had was taken away from them because the Jewish people were better at leading companies than Germans. Hitler sure had done a good job fooling everyone and making them believe that all this was necessary for Germany to become a respected country once more.

The money they had was all spent on the weapons for military and their movements have become more and more active. This was the war tension. All German men were forced to join the military and fight for their pride, believing they were doing something good.

In schools, books described Jews as pests and as greedy people who only cared for money. They were described as ugly and disgusting people, compared to the pure and "clean" Germans. Children were taught that homosexuality was not alright and that they should avoid handicapped people. They were taught to worship Hitler and love his ideas. They were also taught to become the "ideal German".

From the age of 8, the kids would be trained to become a Nazi soldier, they were taught how the weapons worked, what the ghettos were and what they needed to do in case they met a Jewish person and how they should treat it. At some point they were even taught about where the Jewish people were sent and what for.

At the age of 18, they would join the military, with their heads filled with these stories and beliefs. They would become sadistic Nazi soldiers and they would believe the only perfection in the world were the Germans.

Among there soldiers, one stood out. He was the guard of this Jewish playground. He was tall and strong. His blond hair and his Greek nose were exactly as the "ideal German" should have. His mission was to keep the Jews in order inside this place. He had to make a promise of carrying the German pride to the grave and to kill anyone who tried to get in his way.

As the people passed through the gates, cries and whispers could be heard in this silent town. Voices of soldiers telling women and children to be silent could be heard even louder. There was no wonder people would cry though. This place was filthy. Buildings where the soldiers slept and worked could be called a castle compared to this. And this was all happening because those people were born Jewish or had their own beliefs or race. They didn't choose that life. This was all just unfair.

But nobody could help them. Nobody dared to step towards them and help them. No one even dared to stop a soldier that just pulled out his gun and killed a baby just to shut it up. The child was probably just hungry, but no one dared to stop him. Not a single person. The mother of the baby, held it tight and close to her chest. Baby's head had just exploded and she held it tight as if protecting it, tears running down her face. She didn't care that her clothes were stained with blood nor that child's brains were coming out its head. No. She kept holding it tight, as she followed the group.

The brutality was insane. Anyone who didn't obey was killed. People in the group trembled and immediately shut up. These men were merciless and this group was about to see Hell. People now obeyed the orders in silence, fearing having the same destiny as that baby.

The blonde soldier swallowed hard and kept following his orders of making sure nobody disobeyed. He had no courage to kill an infant like that nor did he wish to do so in the future, but the thought of him having to actually do that one day terrified him.

This situation was bad on both sides. There were more soldiers like him. Soldiers that believed that this was all wrong and that Nazism shouldn't exist. But they had to keep silent. If someone found out they were against the current politics, they would be executed just like that infant.

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The rooms they were given were really small. The beds weren't enough for everyone; obviously some would even have to sleep on the streets. In this tiny room, the tall man sat on his bed thinking what he should do now…

As the days passed, he ended up finding a job. It couldn't really be called a job since it included helping up making food for everyone and carrying around the bags of flour and beans or potatoes.

The meals in this place were terrible. For breakfast, they'd serve self some tea or imitation of coffee. For lunch, they'd get watery soup and they'd be very lucky if a piece of a potato skin came in or a bean. And for dinner they'd get to eat a piece of black bread that weighted only 300 grams (10.6 ounces). The dishes they had there weren't enough for everyone, so everyone would treasure his bowl. Sharing was impossible. No person would share here. Everyone was fighting for their lives. And, that bowl, to someone, was a line between life and death. If you didn't have one, you'd not eat. You'd just get that piece of bread at night and noting more. To some, that piece should last to the morning, so they'd hide it inside their clothes as they slept. Some people would die in their sleep, so others would steal that person's clothes, boots, bread… Anything there was. Each thing other possessed was necessary for survivor. Boots to keep feet warm, clothes to keep the body warm… Not many could survive the winter without fighting to have more.

_ Inside this ghetto everyone lived like an animal._

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As a current night guard, the blonde soldier was now making calling everyone's name and checking if they were all there. The regular death check was also his duty and seeing so many dead people already made him feel uneasy.

Health conditions in ghettos were terrible. Everything was only washed with water and baths were quite rare. Getting a bath once a week was already a miracle and it had to be worshipped. The water was always cold though and, in winter, taking a bath was a nightmare. But, what was point in taking a bath when they'd all just get back in their dirty clothes? Underwear washing was done with little water they got to drink or when it rained. They had no other way to do so. Also, Germans avoided wasting water on these people. They were "impure" after all.

The blonde had to cross the names on his list if someone has died and put a check mark if the person was still there. After the regular calling, he'd lead the people to their building and lock them inside after telling them to behave. He was not harsh on them as many others were. He'd just let them go with a warning or pretend he didn't see when someone took a bit more food than he should. When someone was sick, he'd even offer them a blanket in secret so they wouldn't be cold. But this was very rare of him to do, since there were enough guards inside here to realize he was committing a crime. There was a rule for that and he had to obey to it.

_No Nazi shall ever trust a Jew.  
No Nazi shall ever help a Jew.  
No Nazi shall ever fall in love with a Jew.  
No Nazi shall ever marry a Jew._

As he made his way to the last building of his district, he called out names one by one and crossed the names of the dead and checked the lives of the living. He'd let them take everything from the dead, if they still hadn't, so that in morning the dead would be taken and burned in a dump hole.

_ From ashes we come and to ashes we will return, _the blond quoted the words in his head as he thought about the following morning and the smell of burning flesh. He was not a religious person, but this quote was more than true right now. They will all turn into ashes one day.

Still crossing the names and making sure everyone alive was here, he came across a familiar name.

"Fubar, Bertholdt?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Fubar, Bertholdt?"

A shaky answer came from the tall man that was standing on the end of the line. Someone as skinny and as tall as him sure was able to catch blonde's attention without being called twice. His thin fingers held a bag tightly, a bag containing his piece of bread, hoping he hadn't done something wrong, since the blond was taking quite a while to call the last next names and make sure they were all there.

Once the list was checked, they were lead back to their building and told to get in and not make any mess, but, the dark haired male had to stay outside. He was told by the blond to wait and stay still. Awaiting other one, he watched the people he was now living with enter the building and being locked inside.

Windows and doors of those buildings had iron bars on them, so escape during night or morning was completely impossible. Not even someone as skinny as Bertholdt could pass through them. The officers of the Nazi Party sure had it all planned. The escape from this place was impossible! There was no way out. The surrounding walls were too tall to be climbed and there was fence on top of them. Even if they did climb it to the top of the walls, their escape would be very less likely, since they'd probably get stuck in that fence. The people who tried to escape this place have been killed in front of everyone. Families had to see their youngest members be executed before the older. Innocent children would be killed as a warning to their parent for making a mistake or disobeying. They were constantly tortured in this place - both physically and psychologically.

As the soldier passed by him and lead the way, the tall man followed behind him. His feet were wet from wearing those old shoes and walking on the wet ground all day long. His thin clothes weren't keeping him warm and the winter was approaching. He knew that many wouldn't survive the winter without a blanket. The food definitely wouldn't be enough for all of them. If only they had a little bit more, everything would be fine… Bertholdt had to live with the fear of this being his end. He feared every day that he might be the next one to die or the next one being executed. Even though he obeyed to every single order he was given, he still lived with those fears.

People would always say fear is something you can't fight. You can't run away from it. You should never turn your back to your fears. To overcome your fears you must face them and accept them. Then you won't be scared anymore. But in Bertholdt's case, his fear was death. He did not want to accept that one day he might die, but, right now, as he followed this soldier to the military building all the way to other's office, he thought twice. If he was going there to be made fun of or laughed at, then death sure did sound better.

Maybe his fear was not the death itself… but all he did not know about it…

The office they were now in was not too big. On the left side of the room, there was a bookshelf with the military books and rules about their government. There were some figures and badges placed over the shelf together with a big swastika flag that was hanging on one side of the bookshelf. Beside the bookshelf there was a door. It was probably for the bathroom or for a storing closet. On the right side there was a couch and a big lamp beside it. It was big enough to sleep on and it seemed like it had very little use. Right in the front of him, there was a table, set in front of the big windows that faced this "town" perfectly.

Bertholdt felt a knot on his throat as he saw all this. He wondered what was going on. Why was he called here? He wasn't even sure how he should behave when he saw the soldier direct himself to the desk and sitting on his big comfortable chair behind it.

He felt uneasy being in this room with the blond soldier. He was sure he was being judged by him. Who wouldn't be judged? They were all just rats in a cage right now…

The silence continued as the one before him took two glasses and poured what seemed an expensive whiskey in both of them. This made the taller man blink in confusion. Were they expecting someone? It did seem like it, didn't it? That silence, two glasses…

"Sit down." The silence was finally broken by the blond and the order he was given was to sit… on the chair in front of him?

Swallowing hard, Bertholdt did as told. He sat in front of the blond and lowered his head. The rules ordered them never to look a Nazi guy in eyes, so that's what the raven head avoided to do. He saw the glass being moved towards him and he wasn't sure if he should drink from it or not.

"I really did not expect to find you here. I thought you left this country." What? The raven head was confused. What did that man mean by that? "You sure did seem like you'd leave for a foreign country when you said goodbye…"

Berholdt's eyes were wide opened now. He was shocked, yet curious… He observed those features… other's expression… His mind went back to the time when he first arrived to Berlin as a child and then he remembered.

"Reiner?" he sounded insecure when he asked this. He hadn't seen Reiner in years. He had grown to be a fine and a well-built man. It was barely believable to meet his childhood friend after so long, but the situation they met in deeply saddened him.

Seeing a smile on other's face, made Bertholdt feel less lonely for being in that place. He still thought of Reiner as a close friend - as his best friend. He knew that the other one would never hurt him, would he? The Reiner he knew…

"Why didn't you leave? Ran away?"

"Ah… It wasn't easy… I had no money to leave… And no one ever thought things would end up like this…" his tone was low, barely above a whisper. He kept his head lowered, eyes fixed on the glass that was still there on the table, unsure if he should drink it or not, but he eventually grabbed it slowly.

"I am really sorry about this." Reiner sounded confused, yet worried. "Have you eaten?" Bertholdt stayed silent at the apology. Knowing his friend, Reiner was probably forced to do this. There was no way Reiner would ever obey such terrifying orders from their Führer. As the following question came, he nodded. He wasn't sure if what he ate could be called food, but he did eat. He ate soup that day and he was still holding onto the bag with his piece of bread in it.

He saw Reiner going through a drawer and taking something from it. It was a lunch box and it was given to Bertholdt with blonde's kind words. "Here… Eat this."

"N-No…! I can't accept this! You'd be in deep trouble if someone found out!"

"Just eat." Reiner spoke after letting out a, what seemed, frustrated sigh. "I'll see what I can do about your situation. I'll ask Jeager to let you work under me."

Eren Jaeger was a fearsome man. He was the commandant of this ghetto. He was feared by many and everyone would hide once he appeared. This commander was known for personally killing people and showing no regrets. He'd often shoot the Jews from the window of his office once he saw that the Jew was resting or was too slow. Bertholdt remembered this man very well and he feared him.

A shiver ran up his spine as he heard Reiner mention that name - _that_ horrifying name… He was the Morning Star itself. No. He was the Devil itself! If one thing this Jewish boy was sure about was that the Devil word in Christianism meant something way worse than the Morning Star in Judaism.

"Y-You'll get in trouble, Reiner!"

"Eat and don't tell anyone about this. I'll try feeding you at least once a day."

His body instinctively reached to open the lunch box for the food. He was starving, but he couldn't help but still worry over. "Please don't get in trouble…"

"I'll do anything in my power to keep you safe." Reiner spoke over him. "Just eat already so you can go to sleep."

Bertholdt shut up this time and ate; almost swallowing the whole food he was given. This man really did care for him and the raven head still cared for Reiner. He had never forgotten about him – not even after all these years. He still remembered the times they spent together as children and the times they'd play hide and seek in their village. It was fun. Reiner would always be there for Bertholdt and would always comfort him in the times when it was needed and protect him when he was bullied.

"I'm glad we met again." Reiner showed a sad smile and drank his drink. The raven head knew what the other one felt. He knew it better than anyone. Meeting in this place under these circumstances was terrifying and it made him feel sick, but it was somehow comforting… He wasn't alone now.

He finished the meal with the drink he was previously offered, the raven head showed a weak smile. "I am too…"

"Ah!" an exclamation came from the soldier and he took a glass bottle from his desk, containing white powder in it: baking soda! Berholdt immediately recognized it. "Go wash your teeth. You don't want them to feel your breath…" the Jew was given the bottle and he took it quickly, careful not to drop it. Then he followed Reiner, as he was given the indication to do so, to the door beside the bookshelf. So that was bathroom… Bertholdt really thought that it was a storing closet, since he was not very familiar with the offices that had bathrooms in them. "You can also take a bath. Just don't wash your clothes."

Being left in the bathroom without even having a chance to answer the soldier, Bertholdt's lips curled in a sweet smile and he accepted to take a shower. He began undressing and filling the bathtub with warm water. It had been long since he had taken a warm bath…This was the first time it really hit him. The slogns and politics they have seen around this place were not true. They would not leave this place nor live better if they worked harder, would they? They would never live like the Catholic Germans…

Silent, he took a bath and avoided looking at his figure in the mirror. He was really skinny. He tried being fast; not wanting to abuse of blonde's kindness. He dried himself with one of Reiner's towels and hanged it to dry; he had also washed his teeth as he was told and got out right after.

"I-I'm sorry… I used one of your towels…"

He saw Reiner's expression change from melancholic to something that seemed shocked and surprised. He walked over to Bertholdt quickly. The raven head froze in his place, trying to convince himself Reiner would never hurt him. So why was he rushing towards him with that expression…?

Strong arms quickly wrapped around the raven head and Bertholdt's heart almost stopped in that moment. A hug? A hug from Reiner? He hadn't felt an embrace in a really long time and, now, having his childhood friend, who he hadn't seen in ages, holding him, he ended up letting himself relax in that embrace, wrapping his arms around the blond one. He remembered just how much he had missed him…

"I'm so sorry. I… I will take you home one day." Bertholdt felt a grasp on his chest. There was nothing he wanted more in the World than to go home, especially if he could do it with Reiner. Unfortunately this was nothing but a dream. "I got to take you back. Come on."

Being lead back to the building he had to sleep in, he kept his head low, not wanting anyone to suspect of them even being friends or something. He immediately got inside, just as ordered, and walked upstairs to the apartment he was staying at. He laid down on the bed, without taking off his shoes.

Tired and with his stomach full, it didn't take him long to fall asleep.


End file.
